#2  were sitting next to each other at the end of the upstairs hall using the top of an unused, old dresser as a platform to assemble their jointly designed lego aircrafts.
#4 was playing with action figures on the table under the 60" plasma.
looking at #2&3 made me so happy seeing my children playing together. seeing my lover smile was very comforting especially smiles have not been that frequent lately. i roamed around the house, looking at the oldness and parts of it falling apart, starting to think about having a nicer place to live in and it became quite clear to me it was unnecessary for me.
when i look at the standard of living of my parents, siblings, inlaws, friends, neighbors, they all have pretty much a more valuable house(which translates into better looking) and newer vehicles.
this is not to say i am ashamed or want more, but i know my lover would prefer a better, or perhaps a newer place to live and a better ride.
i am having a hard time understanding why i dont care. i think it might be laziness. i am ok with just getting by. my whole life i have just got by. one could not ask for a better family for me to be raised in and to have for myself. my lover works hard for the money. i do not. i work, just not hard. i get by.
our children have the massive gift of their grandparents living 1 kilometer away. and their grandparents care. it is a gift that has never stopped for me. i cannot imagine living without my parents. after half a century, i still fear their death, and not mine.
the undergrad years were not really away from home, the post graduate was too far and i had to sort of forget of their existence, like i do every january, february and march. i dont know how my siblings deal with being so far away. sure, sure sure theres the phone and email and fucking facecrack, but i get to eat many dinners a week, have a lunch, go to the lake with my parents, my lover and my children.
doesnt that alone trump a more expensive house or car?
the next day, my parents celebrated 52 years of marriage. my dad said now we have a full deck. my family was fortunate to go out to eat and then have them pay for it as well. my siblings had to settle for the phone. (this is in no way a castigation about my siblings...its more of i have it so much better than you).
it was a lovely dinner. the kids were so well behaved and happy and laughing. mom and dad looked great and were also very well behaved and happy.
i do so wish i had valued my siblings more than i did when we were young. once i hit six and seventh grade, they became more of an annoyance to me which waxed and waned and morphed into ennui until after i married. now i am attempting to rehabilitate my relationships with them.
seeing my children interact with each other in ways that i did not at their age cements in my mind they will not follow my circuitous road.
i am posting, but will continue this
