DVR's

if you watch tv, then you must get a dvr. it is imperative that you stop what you are doing right now, and get up and obtain one of these fabulous devices.

gosh and by golly, we have had one for at least three years now, and i aint talking about that tivo shit!!!! tivo is evil, and expensive. get one from your cable company, or like us, direct tv, you can even buy your own now.

anyway, i watch more tv than i ever have in my life! this may sound bad, but i assure you, it is not.

with the dvr, you get to speed past, and i mean SPEED past commercials, opening & closing credits, dead space and other shit you dont want to watch. it is especially handy for food network.

but what really rocks is that you can record things you maybe would watch and keep them for a rainy day. also, it is wonderful for sports. while i watch more tv than ever, i spend less time in front of the tv.

it is particularly valuable late night, when tv really sucks it. now, even more valuable is the Video On Demand feature which allows you to download almost any fucking thing that has been on tv and watch it at your leisure.

during the really weird time that you are watching the tv live, the rewind function rocks for that line you missed while your bedmate farted and you had to deal with the odor problem, just hit one button and it will jump back like 30 seconds each time. then you can catch up during one of those bastard commercials.

the cost from your tv provider is about 5 bucks a month, way cheaper and less invasive than those tivo fuckers. you may not know, but tivo requires that you hook up an internet or phone cord to your box. and the price is ridonkulous.

i guess soon i will buy my own to see what that is like, in any event, if you dont like commercials, get a dvr.

two step

Say, my love, I came to you with best intentions
You laid down and gave to me just what I'm seeking
Love, you drive me to distraction

Hey my love do you believe that we might last a thousand years
Or more if not for this,
our flesh and blood
It ties you and me right up
Tie me down

Celebrate we will
Because life is short but sweet for certain
We're climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue
These things we cannot change

Hey, my love, you came to me like wine comes to this mouth
Grown tired of water all the time
You quench my heart and you quench my mind

Celebrate we will
Because life is short but
Sweet for certain
We're climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue
The things we cannot
Celebrate, you and me, climbing two by two, to be sure
these days continue, things we cannot change

Oh, my love I came to you
with best intentions
You laid down and gave to me
Just what I'm seeking

Celebrate we will
Because life is short
But sweet for certain
We're climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue
Things we cannot change...
Things we cannot change

-dave matthews band


listen to it here

handicapped parking

clearly it is out of control. i have started parking in these spaces. mainly because of who i saw utilizing them.

this one guy, about 60, parked in the space, got out, and walked past 7 (seven)...fucking seven other spaces which were closer to the store he was going to!!!!! what the fuck is that?!?!?!?! he did not seem to have any handicap, he walked briskly to from his car to the store. he could have parked right next to the store, but opted to park in the handicap space, which was farther from the store. i stayed to watch to see if he was going anywhere else, but no, he had a bag of shit and walked back to his car.

the next whore was about 45 or so, pulled up next to my car in a large SUV into the handicap spot at wendys. she RAN out of the vehicle and into the restaurant, where she proceeded to get in line, get her food, sit down and eat it. all the while i was looking at her, and she subsequently started looking at me, in a nervous like manner. i wanted to let the air out of her tires, but feared security cameras.

most recently, was a sub-class of humans i recently blogged about, yep, a realtor. this fucking fat-assed skank, with her hair done(why fat ugly people get their hair done is a mystery to me) and a blazing realtor paint job on her car pulled up to a tj maxx. she cruised around looking for a spot, passing the handicap ones. not finding a spot, she then opted for one of the 8 open spots for handicapped.

i now join the above assholes. handicapped parking is a fucking joke. maybe if it was regulated more, but fuck off people, if it is open, im taking it.

being sick

being sick sucks it. like you dont know that. i have a tremendous command of the obvious. i guess sometimes being sick doesnt suck it totally, like when its just a stuffed nose or something, but i have been coughing so hard that i have been able to stop coughing because the pain that ensues when i start the peristaltic reaction of my belly fat.

also, i cant get a boner. you know you are sick when you cant even get a boner. not even the early morning wood or a piss rod. nothing. there were times i couldnt even find my stub. i was that sick. my neck hurt from laying down and watching tv.

i am sick of tv. there is nothing on, thank god for the dvr. always keep a shitload of recordings saved so you can watch them when sick or otherwise laid up, cuz generally, tv sucks it too.

mucus stickier than gorilla glue. i have started to feel a little claustrophobic because i cant breathe through the nostrils and when i think about having my mouth covered, i can sense the panic of not being able to breathe.

that happens now at the dentist when a couple of drops of novocaine hit my throat. the throat numbs up and if i have a stuffed nose, and mr. dentist has his fingers in my throat with all that metal and shit, i might not be able to breathe and then i would die so i get a small panic attack which results in the dentist and his assistant standing around saying nice things to me while probably thinking about what a fuckup this guy is.

i cant live not being able to breathe. (i said i have a tremendous command of the obvious)

attack of the show-g4tv

clearly, this is one of the best shows being carried by cable & satellite. the content is most attractive for modern men, although the ads are a tiny bit long, thank vaal for the dvr.

it will not be long before the two lead characters move on to better paying gigs. kevin pereira & oliva munn are wicked. let me proclaim that they have THE MOST ENTERTAINING OPENING SEGMENT IN TELEVISION PROGRAMMING HISTORY. A-T-N, A-T-N, A-T-N(repeat).

clearly the script consultants have it together and the "around the net segment" can not fail. with these two in charge, even my wife is in on the act.

biggest drawback is while this show is about cutting edge technology, it is not in HD?!?!?!? kevin & olivia are distorted, squinched freaks on my 50 incher(my plasma, not my dick). what is the deal g4? for christ sakes if the food network can do it, so can you. if i have to watch that pony-ass 30-minute meal chick in hd, then give me olivia in hd.

anyhow, couple the opening segment with all the techno news, comic news, interview segments (loop, not the pre-arranged PR sitdowns) and specials like the recent 4.20 one, which rocked and if you have a dvr, are male and do not record this for viewing at a later date, then you are not a male.

the road not taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

-robert frost
listen to him read it here

realtors part one

why the fuck do realtors feel the need to plaster the earth with their picture? do they think "if i make my head as big as a whale on this billboard, when i am pushing down a doublecheesburger at the local bar, those there will recognize me and will utilize my services"?

no, because realtors egos are actually that large. they think their shit does not smell. they act like your friend, but they are not. they only care about the commission.

why do we need to see their heads!!!!!!! they are not attractive, if they were they would not be realtors. they are not important because websites and front-lawn signs are popping up everywhere for the "for sale by owner" crowd. clearly realtors are not bright because they put their ugly mugs on fucking billboards and signs thinking...i really dont know what they are thinking, that is the point of this blog today.

fuck the multiple listing service, do it yourself and save the 6%.

these washouts from every other job are desparate and vain. i would say greedy, but it think the combination of vainity & desparateness mixes together to trump any greed. i think that once these fuckbags graduate from slimeball realtor to owner and have other greaseballs under them contributing to the legal pyramid scheme, then it is greed. but it is then that they no longer advertise the size of their melons.

i beg you, every time you see a realtor in person, say to him or her "wow, your picture makes your head look so much bigger than it really is. you really have like a sort of pinhead. did you graduate from college? two year degree then? well, at least you finished high school, oh, i'm sorry, well there is always the GED program and you can get some respect. even drug addicts, once caught, take the GED while in jail and get one up on you. you should probably stop being an asshole and start doing drugs, get caught and go to jail so you can get your GED".

yeah, say that.

ashlee simpson

it is time to let this poor, poor human being alone.

please, for the love of god, do not have any interest in this husk which appears to be alive.

there exists no talent whatsoever. in my opinion, even after the surgery, she is not attractive. she does not even have the attractiveness of youth!

i just heard her singing the lastest thing which she did not write. my god, how she really has no voice. it was obvious she has no ear as well. it was pitiful.

along with all the reports of her father and his involvement in his offspring and their lives shows that we must not participate in the creepiness anymore.

you cant fault her, it is not like that other trainwreck we need to ignore (and i am not talking about her idiot sister).

the only reason she is getting attention is because someone is pumping out press releases about the shit music she has garbled. she is not interesting, talented or attractive. stop participating in her father's greed.

bigmouth strikes again

Sweetness, sweetness I was only joking
When I said I'd like to
smash every tooth In your head

Oh ... sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking
When I said by rights you
should be Bludgeoned in your bed

And now I know how Joan of Arc felt
Now I know how Joan of Arc felt
As the flames rose to her roman nose And her Walkman started to melt
Ooooo ...

Bigmouth, la da da dah dah da bigmouth, la da da dah
Bigmouth strikes again
And I've got no right to take my place With the Human race

Oh, bigmouth, la da da dah, dah da ... bigmouth, la da dah
Bigmouth strikes again
And I've got no right to take my place with the Human race

And now I know how Joan of Arc felt
Now I know how Joan of Arc felt
As the flames rose to her roman nose And her hearing aid started to melt

Oh, bigmouth, la da da dah dah da... bigmouth, la da da da
Bigmouth strikes again
And I've got no right to take my place with the Human race(repeat until satisfied)

Lyrics by Stephen Morrissey, Music by Johnny Marr-(the smiths, jackass)
listen to it right now by clicking here

meatballs

bread crumbs.

you need bread crumbs, then put more bread crumbs in and follow it up with more bread crumbs. if you make your own bread crumbs, then you will have better meatballs, but store bought bread crumbs will make good meatballs. use some rye bread & pumpernickle as well for wicked meatballs that people will tell you they are the best you ever made.

so, mix up the meat, mix of chicken, pork, beef, whatever pop in three eggs, some romano or parmesean, maybe some parsley, mix with your hands, roll into testicle-sized orbs and bake or fry. better to bake at a real low temp, like 200 degrees for an hour or so, maybe longer until they are done.

seaworld

alright then, had to go to seaworld. did the original park with shamu the fucker whale and then did aquatica, the brand-spanking new water park.

approached both with dread, basically cuz i thought it would be like disney, which is one of the most evil places and evil corporations that exists.

seaworld was pretty good. awesome i guess. not the continuing pressure to spend money, not really high prices like the evil kingdom, but FREE BEER. yeah, the hospitality building has all the free budweiser products you can suck down. decently priced kid meals and lunches. i did not feel fleeced.

seeing the animals was good and getting there early is a must. you can get through most of the attractions before anyone clogs the place.

going early is absolutely necessary for aquatica. we hit it just as it opended at 0900, no lines, and we were there during easter week.

bluntly, we hit every ride twice, with no lines. in fact i was coughing up blood from having to climb those goddamn stairs so fast to keep up with the kids. it was the most excercise i had in years. rides were wicked worth it. cost was only about $35 and they have this all you can eat buffet deal. by 11:30, it was an hour wait for most of the big rides, but by then, we had hit them twice! there is this wicked cool floating ride that you grab a vest for and just let the current take you for the rest of the afternoon, or go to the wave pool and pretend you just leaped from a ship that sunk in the middle of a large body of water. weirdly enough, you dont smell chlorine

anyhow, good stuff, not that expensive, wicked crowds so go early.

the beach

Do not go gentle into that good night

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light

-Dylan Thomas....listen to him read it here

doesn't it make you feel all squiggly?

smoke this

it amazes me the amount of you people that have no idea how to prepare food for consumption. in short, you are pathetic. if there was a calamity tomorrow, you would be at the mercy of many, many really fucking stupid people in the world, because most stupid people in the world at least know how to cook. mostly because they dont have enough money to buy the food, or pay someone to make it for them.

those people in the world deemed attractive by their respective cultures tend to be more stupid on the average cuz they get by on their looks. you have never been accused of this. i know because you are reading my blog.

when some moistened bint marries that freakish rich dude, it skews things up. all of a sudden, current physical-attractive qualities in one spouse mesh with usually ugly-attractrive qualities and you have mutant children who usually end up really fucked up because of a hot/stupid parent and a smart/ugly/rich parent.

in any event, preparing food is wicked easy. to smoke ribs:

fuck your easy gas grill. thats right, open it up and stick your cock(there are no women reading this, and if there are, they probably have a cock) between the kooky grate structure and pump away. for good food, that is all your easy gas grill is worth. ripping your dick flesh off on the sides of charred burger and chicken skin.

now, you could use the gas grill, just rip all the guts out of it. you can even use the kooky grate structure.

using a proper grill or your now modified gas grill, pile charcoal on one side of grill and ignite. wait a bit for that gallon of starter fluid you dumped on it to burn off then put the pre-sliced slabs of ribs that you dry rubbed last night.....oh fuck, you asshole you forgot to dry rub them last night, you idiot. dont waste time making a rub, buy one from the store, dont get that asshole emerils though.

anyway, you can still jam, put the slabs on the other side of the grill from the charcoal. you might want to put a disposable aluminum tray underneath to catch all the fat. then, monitor the coals for at least 5 hours, replenshing every half-hour to 45 minutes. during this time you can pop some wood smoking stuff on, you only need to do this a few times, but the more the better.

if this is followed, then the meat will fall off the bone. if you need to rush it, after four hours, wrap the ribs in foil and replace on grill for ten minutes, the meat will steam off bone.

you can also pop chicken on during the later stages of this process, as well as potatoes, yams, corn on the cob.

go cook your own food.

like such as in south africa

i personally believe that u.s. americans are unable to do so because, uh, some peole out there in our nation dont have maps, and, uh, i believe that our education, like such as in south africa and the iraq, everywhere, like, such as. and i believe that they should, our education over here in the u.s. should help the u.s., er, should help south africa, and should help the iraq and the asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children.

-click here to watch miss south carolina teen usa utter these immortal words

wendy's

i am morbidly obese. clinically, i am morbidly obese. 276 pounds, 5'11". i got this way from eating shit, so i know my fast food joints.

recently i have lost 15 pounds and hope to continue to do so. relaxing on carbs, eating more fruit and such, and totally bagging fast food except for wendy's.

its the chili.

quite a fucking bargain. just get a small chili & a diet and its 3 bucks. wendys previously held my favorite lunch: two jr. bacon cheeseburgers plain & a diet. i would make one double out of them, but i sacked the bacon & cheese for the beans in the chili, and it has made all the difference.

american idol

why this show does not win any award it is/was up for, i dont know. anyone who sees it must vote for whatever category it is up for. i know amazing race always wins the reality category in the emmys, and it is a good show that one season i saw most of the episodes of, but idol gives so much more.

to be able to look into the eyes of these people as they reveal themselves, their inner thoughts, their core beliefs about themselves to the world is more than amazing.

these people are the stupid people i ranted about earlier. they are dangerous, and we get to see them perform. on some shows, the people can act or front what they are feeling, but not on idol. to get to hollywood, you have to be good, so, except for the complete assholes wanting facetime, the contestants that really suck it singing-wise are baring their most inner-selves to siranla(SImonRANypauLA) and the cameras.

granted, in the audition room there is a handful of persons watching, but still, we get to see these people perform who probably have not had an orgasm as the result of another human coming into physical contact with them. you probably never even get to meet these people unless you are related to one. in the street, you are such a meek person, you avert your eye and walk by. i like to (and do) talk to them. they will talk to you and as long as you dont insult them, everything is fine. you can evaluate them if they are just fucking gone and in need of help, or just stupid and clueless. its the stupid and clueless that are most amusing.

thats the first part of idol, seeing those total fucking losers who think they can sing be told that they dont have a clue. some of them are calm, but the total losers give the best performances. they cry like babies, yell, swear at the judges, and most and best of all, inform the camera that they will show the judges what they missed by passing them overe that they will be a big success in the industry. to date, not a single one of them has even made it close.

the next stage is hollywood where you have generally have decent voices and pretty faces. here, the good tv is watching people who have something going on get crushed by rejection. it is especially good if you dont like the person before they get crushed, like this year there was that cheerleader and the miss south florida fair queen or something. hey, they had it in looks and had a smidgen of voice, but their personality was that of bad parenting and you just wanted them to fail.

and fail they did, and cry they did, and laugh i did with most of the viewing audience. i laughed out loud and these pathetic creatures of their own making. crying because they felt greatness was deserving upon them and how dare they not be advanced. suck it up and fuck off assholes.

now, weekly we get to judge and cheer and mock. this show is awesome. except for the fake shit between secrest-out and siranla. you know they are laughing all the way to the fucking shit load of dough they rub on themselves.

so many people i know wont admit they watch. cleanse yourselves, its okay. it just a fucking horse race now. pick a winner, it sure is better than that fucking garbage suitcase show.

are you a loser?

the easy answer is yes. simply because you are reading this you jackass!

winners dont read loser things like blogs, we write them for losers like you to read and say things like "yeah" or "this guy is fucked in the head" or "wow, i really am a loser".

thats right, i am a winner. i dont read blogs, good lord, with all the good things to surf what do i care about how someone else thinks? or what someone does? i have my own life which is far more superior and exciting to yours, especially if you are going to blog about it.

if someone take the time to blog about what they do or what is happening with their family, then their life truly must suck. to not have anything better to do (read sex) than blog (that includes sex with yourself) for losers to read about losers is the epitome of suck.

its like that letter at xmas time summarizing all the cute things that happened in the year. now it happens everyfuckingdayeveryfuckingdayeveryfuckingdayoverandoverandoverandover. it is suck-loserdom cubed.

take for instance last night when my pet ape started projectile vomiting on the suede curtain sash made out of papier-maiche. i said to gretchen "jesus that reminds me when gary slydecker masturbated to kenny chesny". we both laughed and reminded ourselves that children are the future of the cosmopolis.

see how bad that last paragraph sucked it?!?!!? taste the truth, for i serve it daily.

chi-chi-chi- chia pet travolta

what in the name of all that is oscar is with barbarino's hair??!?!?!? he looks like a new fucking chia pet!!!!

that shit has got to be fake, right? i am at a loss but last night on the oscar show he looked really stupid. i thought i knew stuff, but i did not know he was hairless and that he had to stoop to this.

what is so wrong with losing hair? i just dont get it. some men look great with their lack of hair, crop it tight, shave it...who fucking cares but please dont put fake shit up. how long has he been shining us on?

someone please tell this guy that we all know he is got some hair loss going on and he will still get work in the industry. god, i would hate to be near him when that shit starts falling off his head like some worn steel wool pad or something.

matt lauer is a miracle to us in the form of morning tv no-balls

this morning matt lauer was gushing about interviewing the family of a baby which was found alive after his house was destroyed and his mother killed by a tornado, where else but in a godforsaken state which is useless to me...tennessee.

as i put my matching polo socks, adidas shirt & sneakers, dockers boxers and brooks brothers cardigan on, i watched in horror as the packaged piece about this little human used the word "miracle" about ten times in various manners by various people.

you all know what i am going to say...this was no fucking miracle. jesus age christ, a miracle is when someone raises from the dead, or you turn around and have fifteen billion gallons of wine when before you had spit, or when you put your last c-note on this 5-1 shot and just as the gates open the favorite breaks it's leg and wipes out two other rides as yours pulls away cleanly ftw.

but listening to matt lauer, i thought he was gonna run for president! "tell us about this real-life miracle baby". the "miracle" was that the fucking joker that found him found him in time. in tennessee they do their job. if i am going to be in a disaster, i want to be in one in tennesee. especially so that it wont be useless to me.

i can just imagine all the stupid fuckers in the viewing audience shaking their heads slowly, agreeing with this ball-less fuck lauer, saying things to themselves like "oh my god, what a miracle" and "truly this was the work of the lord and saviour" and "THE FUCKING BABY DID NOT GET KILLED. IT HAPPENS WITH TORNADOES ALL THE FUCKING TIME PEOPLE".

ok, that last one was all the people like you.

recipie for feeding kids

ok then, i have four kids and finally hit on a dish that is wicked easy to make and quite edible while being somewhat nutritious.

it utilizies tortiallas and start with the small, taco sized flour ones.

go buy a roasted chicken and strip off all the meat while eating the skin.

get some ground beef or other meat of your choice and brown it up, add some salt, ketchup & mustard, not too much. here you can add the american cheese if you want, more on cheese down a couple paragraphs.

while ground beef is browning slowly...

take the chicken and put it on a cutting surface. pile some cheeses on it. use ones that are melty like mozz or mont jack, include cheddar, kids love american, but buy american cheese, not that "cheese product" shit. stick a fucking crowbar in your wallet and buy the good stuff. anyways, put some cheeses on it, then sprinkle a little cumin, not too much, maybe a teaspoon. then take a wicked sharp knife and run it through the pile a few times.

now get the package of tortillas, take them out of the plastic and put them on a plate with a wet paper towel on top, put in microwave for two minutes on high. when times up, take them out and to simply put about two tablespoons of meat mixtures in the tortilla and wrap it up, seam side down. if the tortillas are popping open on you, then heat them up more until they dont unroll.

once done, place them on a microwave safe plate, cover and when ready to serve, bust them for about two minutes on high.

save the rest for snacks around 11:30pm right before bed.

valentines day is for suckers like you

verizon is advertising that you should get your "valentine" a new phone!!! jesus fucking christ, when did valentines day become this retarded-must for losers. a new cell phone? why not a new car, but at least, go to some shitty jeweler and buy some shitty bauble in the shape of a modern looking heart or something.

valentines day is for kids to give each other pieces of paper with comic book characters on it and waste time in school instead of learning something. do you think the japanese or chinese have a valentines day?!?!?!?!? no fucking way, they have a day when you only have to work for 8 hours on your studies instead of 12 each day.

do developing countries spend money on useless expressions of guilt? no fucking way, they make the useless items we americans spend our money on.

if you are a mature individual, you do not need a fucking present from your current sex-partner to proclaim your affiliation. if you are being pressured by a person (read female) that valentines day is coming and you need to do something, drop that person like a hot rock, much like a woman who proclaims to be a vegetarian. you dont need this sort of nightmarish person who needs money spent on them to fulfill some empty need in her empty fucking noggin.

just like mothers day and fathers day, hallmark made these things into the monsters they are. take whatever money you were going to spend on the loser you are banging, or trying to bang, and donate it to the human fund.

i get my wife things when i feel like it, i dont need some fucking corporate freight train to remind and urge me to spend it at one particular point in time. who the fuck was this st. valentine anyway?

ENNNNJOY this jackass

jesus fucking christ if one more motherfucking waiter(ess) says "ennnJoy" to my table after delivering the food i will chuck the plate at their stupid fucking head. no, i guess what i will really do is bag on the tip with a note about their presumptuous, useless order.

just who do these delivery people think they are? you know it, you feel it. you just want to take the closest large object and bounce it off their face as they say it. who started this? who was this guy? it might have been ok the first time we heard it, but i dont need to hear it from the fucking chucky cheese assfucker i was forced to spend time with at some kids birthday party. "ennnjoy" this hockeypuck with ketchup on it that costs twenty bucks. "ennnjoy" from someone who cant take orders at the tgif or olive dirt-patch. i cant imagine hearing it from a jackass at one of those places which i would have to be forced to eat at anyway.

if you go to eat at an applebees, or any other restaurant advertised nationally, dont get offended, just learn from me. if you eat at those places, you are a fucking idiot and deserve the loser working there who is serving you. "ennnjoy" this food we boiled in a bag, dropped on a plate and brought out to you that is fucking piping-hot or cold, or varying dishes at the same table that are either.

a very quick analysis proves that if you take the money four people spend at a place where seafood is sold by a chain restaurant (i cant bring myself to say the name, it makes me feel better to waste time writing this long explanation so i can feel superior or smarter because i dont patronize the place and think anyone who does is a fucking massive loser) so if you take the money spent, say on four shrimp dinners, went down the street to a grocery store, took 25% of that money and bought shrimp, that party of four could not finish the shrimp there would be so much.

i will demonstrate for the non-believer, or loser who eats at ripoff joints before they/you try to defend it by saying shit like "they have good bread and salad"...fuck you asshole, eat shit and die.

back to the demonstration. lets say the average entree is $8.99, appetizer $5.99, drink $1.99 fuck dessert, tax about a buck or so, tip another 2, rounding out to twenty bucks. now if you went to your local, decent place to get seafood in your area, you will find that a pound of decent sized shrimp goes for about $5 bucks a pound, so each person could get a pound of shrimp for that twenty bucks. one pound of shrimp!!!! that pound of shrimp would be better for you than the shit that gets dumped out of the boiled bag your dinner came from.

so, here is my order, stop eating at the fucking chains! patronize the locally owned places, like where they make the food there instead of defrosting, boiling and unboxing onto plates and warming them. go to an italian restaurant where they have home-made pasta. order pizza from a place where they only have make pizza, not calpizzacanollis, that new entree/dessert freakshow. get a burger from the local bar that has a grill where you can watch them prepare for you, it tastes better. make your own seafood, you can enjoy four times as much, or, spend four times less.

and please, please, please, please, please inform your waiter(ress) ahead of time that if they say "ennnJoy" you will not tip them. say it humorusly, they might spit in your food.

p.s. 2.15.08 just ate at our fav ital rest. before the waitress even saw us, the seat-sitter said "ennJoy", the bread boy said it and the fucking water boy said it. three fucking times before the waitress, thank god she didn't even come close, she was awesome and we tipped heavily.

your life sucks

face it. if it didnt you would be doing something else instead of reading my somewhat lucid rantings.

you wish you didnt have to work. i know you are working, who the hell reads these things at home? and if your retired, you have too much to do besides fucking around on a gizmo you dont know how to navigate.

you also wish you were smarter and had more drive. you coulda been somebody.

well what about me? i am writing this fucking blog! my life sucks too. all our lives suck so snap out of it, stop complaining and stop pining for maryjane nextdoors somewhat frumpy ass.

all our lives suck, each minute we live we are closer to death. each minute bush is in office we get a pole shoved up our ass just a bit further and chances are good you voted for the asshole, so your life sucks more than mine cuz at least i can take satisfaction that it was plain as day to me this guy is a fucking moron.

we have some consolation in that his life sucks too! it has to. there really is no one backing him up, in fact i just heard about some town in vermont voting to put our warrants for his arrest for war crimes. thank you vermont. i will eat more syrup.

you should too.

fuck vegetarians

all of you assfucking vegetarians please stop telling everyone else you are a vegetarian. we dont care. all you want is attention. stop asking if chicken broth is used in the preparation. dont advise me ahead of time that you are a vegetarian, i am not changing the menu because you are an idiot. if you dont want to eat the food i prepare, then dont fucking come to my house and pretend to suffer in a corner with your whole 90-pound body with sunken eye sockets screaming for meat.

and dont go out to eat at a normal restaurantwith the rest of us. we cant stand your inquiries into what the food is made with, it is all made with meat and you fucking know it, you just are making it difficult for everyone else and calling attention to your patheticness. go to your own restaurants that cater to all you fuckheads who gush about what you can do with some honey and capers to some vegetable. please please please stop calling attention to yourself. realize you have a poor self image and gut it up and eat some fucking meat.

and to all those men who allow this shit to happen(there are no male vegetarians), drop the bitch right now. you can get it somewhere else. this chick is a fucking loser and will eat meat sooner or later, or will die. you are in for a rough ride. find a gal who can pack in a steak, you will be happier.

we are carnivores.