phone earpiece = douchebag

if you utilize anything you stick in your ear to talk on the phone you look like a douchebag.

exhibit one...look at this cock on the left. its no wonder that the x chromosomes next him tits are dangling at her gut and she cant drink out of one of those wineglasses with that beak.


anyone seeing you in public wearing one says to themselves "look at that fucking idiot loser".

exhibit b...this clod.

whether it is blueray or tethered, you most likely are a complete tool. you may feel like you are on some seal-team mission, but really, your voice-mail did not need to be checked because you are a loser with an earfuck.

there are sometimes when it is cool:

so sack it up jackass and jump on board for the big win or you will end up with friends who look like this final exhibit below.

good humor

lena satellite

best wedding dj ever

Adriana Lima

,

soy jism

M.I.A. born free banned from you tube

M.I.A, Born Free from ROMAIN-GAVRAS on Vimeo.

wicked double bike kick

Gimnasia Vs. Boca @ Yahoo! Video

link to every painting at moma

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1933298

two step intro-dmb

oh darling lay down
and the crowd
not comfortable stand
and look above the clouds
they opened up their hands
to let it down
and while i played there came a hand
from skywards raining
all we could say was let it rain
until it wash us all away

this has got to be versed

humans are awesome and insignificant

god works in mysterious ways

gloves

isnt always the simple things. for more than a decade i had a pair of gloves that i bought mail order.

i xeroxed my hands and had them custom made to fit. black leather, with some padding on the knuckles and velcro around the wrist...stunning. only $40.

lost one of them. couldnt find the maker and bought similar ones off the internet from a police supply store. the fingers were too long for my stubby fingers, but it would do. then i did not take care of them and lost another one.

so, i did not feel like getting more gloves that did not fit. i took to the area and found nothing. one thing i really hate are those three squiggily lines in the back of the hand of mens gloves. to me it says "im a dandy".

then, as i was getting a 50lb bag of dog food at some tractor place, i saw a wall of gloves. none of them had squiggily lines. some had john deere on them and some other name billboarded on the back of the hand.

there was to the left, a bunch of gloves which seemed to be organized and i found these cool light gray ones which had a rubber coating on the front.

they were $4.99 and fit like a

these things rock. good grip in the snow, just enough coverage for driving and light work. i wouldnt ski in them, or shovel, but you could and if you lose them you really dont care.

taylor swift

her performance on grammy night was not unlike others i have seen. she does not do well live. whether or not the fact she does not have live capabilities is something i do not know should factor into winning "album" or the year.

recordings are produced. her voice was altered, for christs sake many voices are altered. it is rare for a dave matthews who sounds the same on stage or on recordings.

talent? her songs sound like those of a young teen to me. a person certainly has something if they write, play and perform. worthy of a grammy? my useless opinion is no. she did not deserve the honor.

gaga has talent and hits in buckets over swift. dmb has the chops and the right to it, not some twittering somethings from the country fashion of the day.

lets take a close look at country music. except for the garth brooks era, once you hit big in country, you take a step back, get a garage in that countrymusicplayground and fade away while they let someone new drain the pockets.

think about it. where is that twain chick? even carrie underpants is fading. you get one big shot, then you fade away in country. its scripted that way. there is no rolling stones legacy in country. no U2 equivalent. not even a pearl jam.

good use of your next 9 minutes on this earth

wicked crash, then cbs douchbags

look at the person on the bridge fall in the upper left

i want to go to this wedding

weatherman humor

lets see a reporter from fox do this

some of the best things recorded

this is what you get for bowling

the tree

a handbag

pinching a loaf

i dont know when i made it an art. probably about 15 years ago, when i started putting on the poundage.

started out going in front, lifting up the sack and pulling through. now i reach around and dig it clean.

always a roller, no bunching. dreaded fear of finger popping through a hole in the bunch, rolling much safer.

it is difficult to remember when i did not use wipes, until i am caught without them, which is rare. now i always have them close.

probably law school. the drinking was followed by bloody tp. not soaking or copious amounts, just the sort of abraised kinda streaky blood. nonetheless is did not sit well. thus began utilizing wet tp and with a gingerly touch.

for the heavy flow days, ass pads were brought in. usually the generic circular pads soaked in witch hazel. after regular tp (once again, rolled, not bunched) a nice, cool cleansing pad of cotton and witch hazel.

then, i was in the grocery store, and there it was. a little white box. it said "flushable". it was one of those days that change your life.

look, we all shit. you shit your ass off at times. i shit about twice a day. when alcohol is consumed the night before, maybe three, four or five times the next day. all of that wiping causes abrasion. if you dont wipe, you get skid marks. so you wipe, abrade and endure the pain and blood.

wipes take that away. they gloriously, easily and most pleasurably remove the feces from your anus and flabby area in a way that the dry stuff cant touch.

my system now is thus: roll up tp and go in for the main removal of debris. depending on how that feels and looks, and yes, everyone looks at the wipe, just fucking admit it asshole. if you attempt to say you dont look at your wipes, then you have skidmarks you fucking stinkpot-loser.
anyway, maybe a second tp is needed. then, go in with the wipe. cool, damp, clean smooth...and more. fold it over and use it again to mop up with and you are done.

because of this, the witch hazel pads are not needed much anymore, but if they are, then you take one and jam it in your sphincter and squeeze that fluid into your ass and keep it there while it shuts all your capillaries down there down. sometimes pulling out that ass pad kinda feels good, sort of like relief.

anyway, thats pinching a loaf. go get some wipes. you have to use them fast or some brands will disintigrate during a wipe and that is not fun. thinking ahead, pull a few wipes out of the box and put them in a sandwich ziplock. you can carry this around with you on your person, or stash it in the car or at work. i have boxes everywhere, in every bathroom, in the car, at work, in my traveling bags and gym bag, in my locker at the fitness club i never go to, at my parents house, hidden so they dont get all used up, my parents have since joined the fun, but i use my own anyway. when i'm there.

UPDATE 11.30.09: new stuff. take witch hazel and dump some of it in the wipes tub. instant medicated pads, but ones you wipe with. i keep a tub away from the dumper and have sharpied "danger" on it to alert anyone unfamiliar.