DVR's

if you watch tv, then you must get a dvr. it is imperative that you stop what you are doing right now, and get up and obtain one of these fabulous devices.

gosh and by golly, we have had one for at least three years now, and i aint talking about that tivo shit!!!! tivo is evil, and expensive. get one from your cable company, or like us, direct tv, you can even buy your own now.

anyway, i watch more tv than i ever have in my life! this may sound bad, but i assure you, it is not.

with the dvr, you get to speed past, and i mean SPEED past commercials, opening & closing credits, dead space and other shit you dont want to watch. it is especially handy for food network.

but what really rocks is that you can record things you maybe would watch and keep them for a rainy day. also, it is wonderful for sports. while i watch more tv than ever, i spend less time in front of the tv.

it is particularly valuable late night, when tv really sucks it. now, even more valuable is the Video On Demand feature which allows you to download almost any fucking thing that has been on tv and watch it at your leisure.

during the really weird time that you are watching the tv live, the rewind function rocks for that line you missed while your bedmate farted and you had to deal with the odor problem, just hit one button and it will jump back like 30 seconds each time. then you can catch up during one of those bastard commercials.

the cost from your tv provider is about 5 bucks a month, way cheaper and less invasive than those tivo fuckers. you may not know, but tivo requires that you hook up an internet or phone cord to your box. and the price is ridonkulous.

i guess soon i will buy my own to see what that is like, in any event, if you dont like commercials, get a dvr.

two step

Say, my love, I came to you with best intentions
You laid down and gave to me just what I'm seeking
Love, you drive me to distraction

Hey my love do you believe that we might last a thousand years
Or more if not for this,
our flesh and blood
It ties you and me right up
Tie me down

Celebrate we will
Because life is short but sweet for certain
We're climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue
These things we cannot change

Hey, my love, you came to me like wine comes to this mouth
Grown tired of water all the time
You quench my heart and you quench my mind

Celebrate we will
Because life is short but
Sweet for certain
We're climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue
The things we cannot
Celebrate, you and me, climbing two by two, to be sure
these days continue, things we cannot change

Oh, my love I came to you
with best intentions
You laid down and gave to me
Just what I'm seeking

Celebrate we will
Because life is short
But sweet for certain
We're climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue
Things we cannot change...
Things we cannot change

-dave matthews band


listen to it here

handicapped parking

clearly it is out of control. i have started parking in these spaces. mainly because of who i saw utilizing them.

this one guy, about 60, parked in the space, got out, and walked past 7 (seven)...fucking seven other spaces which were closer to the store he was going to!!!!! what the fuck is that?!?!?!?! he did not seem to have any handicap, he walked briskly to from his car to the store. he could have parked right next to the store, but opted to park in the handicap space, which was farther from the store. i stayed to watch to see if he was going anywhere else, but no, he had a bag of shit and walked back to his car.

the next whore was about 45 or so, pulled up next to my car in a large SUV into the handicap spot at wendys. she RAN out of the vehicle and into the restaurant, where she proceeded to get in line, get her food, sit down and eat it. all the while i was looking at her, and she subsequently started looking at me, in a nervous like manner. i wanted to let the air out of her tires, but feared security cameras.

most recently, was a sub-class of humans i recently blogged about, yep, a realtor. this fucking fat-assed skank, with her hair done(why fat ugly people get their hair done is a mystery to me) and a blazing realtor paint job on her car pulled up to a tj maxx. she cruised around looking for a spot, passing the handicap ones. not finding a spot, she then opted for one of the 8 open spots for handicapped.

i now join the above assholes. handicapped parking is a fucking joke. maybe if it was regulated more, but fuck off people, if it is open, im taking it.

being sick

being sick sucks it. like you dont know that. i have a tremendous command of the obvious. i guess sometimes being sick doesnt suck it totally, like when its just a stuffed nose or something, but i have been coughing so hard that i have been able to stop coughing because the pain that ensues when i start the peristaltic reaction of my belly fat.

also, i cant get a boner. you know you are sick when you cant even get a boner. not even the early morning wood or a piss rod. nothing. there were times i couldnt even find my stub. i was that sick. my neck hurt from laying down and watching tv.

i am sick of tv. there is nothing on, thank god for the dvr. always keep a shitload of recordings saved so you can watch them when sick or otherwise laid up, cuz generally, tv sucks it too.

mucus stickier than gorilla glue. i have started to feel a little claustrophobic because i cant breathe through the nostrils and when i think about having my mouth covered, i can sense the panic of not being able to breathe.

that happens now at the dentist when a couple of drops of novocaine hit my throat. the throat numbs up and if i have a stuffed nose, and mr. dentist has his fingers in my throat with all that metal and shit, i might not be able to breathe and then i would die so i get a small panic attack which results in the dentist and his assistant standing around saying nice things to me while probably thinking about what a fuckup this guy is.

i cant live not being able to breathe. (i said i have a tremendous command of the obvious)

attack of the show-g4tv

clearly, this is one of the best shows being carried by cable & satellite. the content is most attractive for modern men, although the ads are a tiny bit long, thank vaal for the dvr.

it will not be long before the two lead characters move on to better paying gigs. kevin pereira & oliva munn are wicked. let me proclaim that they have THE MOST ENTERTAINING OPENING SEGMENT IN TELEVISION PROGRAMMING HISTORY. A-T-N, A-T-N, A-T-N(repeat).

clearly the script consultants have it together and the "around the net segment" can not fail. with these two in charge, even my wife is in on the act.

biggest drawback is while this show is about cutting edge technology, it is not in HD?!?!?!? kevin & olivia are distorted, squinched freaks on my 50 incher(my plasma, not my dick). what is the deal g4? for christ sakes if the food network can do it, so can you. if i have to watch that pony-ass 30-minute meal chick in hd, then give me olivia in hd.

anyhow, couple the opening segment with all the techno news, comic news, interview segments (loop, not the pre-arranged PR sitdowns) and specials like the recent 4.20 one, which rocked and if you have a dvr, are male and do not record this for viewing at a later date, then you are not a male.

the road not taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

-robert frost
listen to him read it here

realtors part one

why the fuck do realtors feel the need to plaster the earth with their picture? do they think "if i make my head as big as a whale on this billboard, when i am pushing down a doublecheesburger at the local bar, those there will recognize me and will utilize my services"?

no, because realtors egos are actually that large. they think their shit does not smell. they act like your friend, but they are not. they only care about the commission.

why do we need to see their heads!!!!!!! they are not attractive, if they were they would not be realtors. they are not important because websites and front-lawn signs are popping up everywhere for the "for sale by owner" crowd. clearly realtors are not bright because they put their ugly mugs on fucking billboards and signs thinking...i really dont know what they are thinking, that is the point of this blog today.

fuck the multiple listing service, do it yourself and save the 6%.

these washouts from every other job are desparate and vain. i would say greedy, but it think the combination of vainity & desparateness mixes together to trump any greed. i think that once these fuckbags graduate from slimeball realtor to owner and have other greaseballs under them contributing to the legal pyramid scheme, then it is greed. but it is then that they no longer advertise the size of their melons.

i beg you, every time you see a realtor in person, say to him or her "wow, your picture makes your head look so much bigger than it really is. you really have like a sort of pinhead. did you graduate from college? two year degree then? well, at least you finished high school, oh, i'm sorry, well there is always the GED program and you can get some respect. even drug addicts, once caught, take the GED while in jail and get one up on you. you should probably stop being an asshole and start doing drugs, get caught and go to jail so you can get your GED".

yeah, say that.

ashlee simpson

it is time to let this poor, poor human being alone.

please, for the love of god, do not have any interest in this husk which appears to be alive.

there exists no talent whatsoever. in my opinion, even after the surgery, she is not attractive. she does not even have the attractiveness of youth!

i just heard her singing the lastest thing which she did not write. my god, how she really has no voice. it was obvious she has no ear as well. it was pitiful.

along with all the reports of her father and his involvement in his offspring and their lives shows that we must not participate in the creepiness anymore.

you cant fault her, it is not like that other trainwreck we need to ignore (and i am not talking about her idiot sister).

the only reason she is getting attention is because someone is pumping out press releases about the shit music she has garbled. she is not interesting, talented or attractive. stop participating in her father's greed.

bigmouth strikes again

Sweetness, sweetness I was only joking
When I said I'd like to
smash every tooth In your head

Oh ... sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking
When I said by rights you
should be Bludgeoned in your bed

And now I know how Joan of Arc felt
Now I know how Joan of Arc felt
As the flames rose to her roman nose And her Walkman started to melt
Ooooo ...

Bigmouth, la da da dah dah da bigmouth, la da da dah
Bigmouth strikes again
And I've got no right to take my place With the Human race

Oh, bigmouth, la da da dah, dah da ... bigmouth, la da dah
Bigmouth strikes again
And I've got no right to take my place with the Human race

And now I know how Joan of Arc felt
Now I know how Joan of Arc felt
As the flames rose to her roman nose And her hearing aid started to melt

Oh, bigmouth, la da da dah dah da... bigmouth, la da da da
Bigmouth strikes again
And I've got no right to take my place with the Human race(repeat until satisfied)

Lyrics by Stephen Morrissey, Music by Johnny Marr-(the smiths, jackass)
listen to it right now by clicking here

meatballs

bread crumbs.

you need bread crumbs, then put more bread crumbs in and follow it up with more bread crumbs. if you make your own bread crumbs, then you will have better meatballs, but store bought bread crumbs will make good meatballs. use some rye bread & pumpernickle as well for wicked meatballs that people will tell you they are the best you ever made.

so, mix up the meat, mix of chicken, pork, beef, whatever pop in three eggs, some romano or parmesean, maybe some parsley, mix with your hands, roll into testicle-sized orbs and bake or fry. better to bake at a real low temp, like 200 degrees for an hour or so, maybe longer until they are done.

seaworld

alright then, had to go to seaworld. did the original park with shamu the fucker whale and then did aquatica, the brand-spanking new water park.

approached both with dread, basically cuz i thought it would be like disney, which is one of the most evil places and evil corporations that exists.

seaworld was pretty good. awesome i guess. not the continuing pressure to spend money, not really high prices like the evil kingdom, but FREE BEER. yeah, the hospitality building has all the free budweiser products you can suck down. decently priced kid meals and lunches. i did not feel fleeced.

seeing the animals was good and getting there early is a must. you can get through most of the attractions before anyone clogs the place.

going early is absolutely necessary for aquatica. we hit it just as it opended at 0900, no lines, and we were there during easter week.

bluntly, we hit every ride twice, with no lines. in fact i was coughing up blood from having to climb those goddamn stairs so fast to keep up with the kids. it was the most excercise i had in years. rides were wicked worth it. cost was only about $35 and they have this all you can eat buffet deal. by 11:30, it was an hour wait for most of the big rides, but by then, we had hit them twice! there is this wicked cool floating ride that you grab a vest for and just let the current take you for the rest of the afternoon, or go to the wave pool and pretend you just leaped from a ship that sunk in the middle of a large body of water. weirdly enough, you dont smell chlorine

anyhow, good stuff, not that expensive, wicked crowds so go early.