pinching a loaf

i dont know when i made it an art. probably about 15 years ago, when i started putting on the poundage.

started out going in front, lifting up the sack and pulling through. now i reach around and dig it clean.

always a roller, no bunching. dreaded fear of finger popping through a hole in the bunch, rolling much safer.

it is difficult to remember when i did not use wipes, until i am caught without them, which is rare. now i always have them close.

probably law school. the drinking was followed by bloody tp. not soaking or copious amounts, just the sort of abraised kinda streaky blood. nonetheless is did not sit well. thus began utilizing wet tp and with a gingerly touch.

for the heavy flow days, ass pads were brought in. usually the generic circular pads soaked in witch hazel. after regular tp (once again, rolled, not bunched) a nice, cool cleansing pad of cotton and witch hazel.

then, i was in the grocery store, and there it was. a little white box. it said "flushable". it was one of those days that change your life.

look, we all shit. you shit your ass off at times. i shit about twice a day. when alcohol is consumed the night before, maybe three, four or five times the next day. all of that wiping causes abrasion. if you dont wipe, you get skid marks. so you wipe, abrade and endure the pain and blood.

wipes take that away. they gloriously, easily and most pleasurably remove the feces from your anus and flabby area in a way that the dry stuff cant touch.

my system now is thus: roll up tp and go in for the main removal of debris. depending on how that feels and looks, and yes, everyone looks at the wipe, just fucking admit it asshole. if you attempt to say you dont look at your wipes, then you have skidmarks you fucking stinkpot-loser.
anyway, maybe a second tp is needed. then, go in with the wipe. cool, damp, clean smooth...and more. fold it over and use it again to mop up with and you are done.

because of this, the witch hazel pads are not needed much anymore, but if they are, then you take one and jam it in your sphincter and squeeze that fluid into your ass and keep it there while it shuts all your capillaries down there down. sometimes pulling out that ass pad kinda feels good, sort of like relief.

anyway, thats pinching a loaf. go get some wipes. you have to use them fast or some brands will disintigrate during a wipe and that is not fun. thinking ahead, pull a few wipes out of the box and put them in a sandwich ziplock. you can carry this around with you on your person, or stash it in the car or at work. i have boxes everywhere, in every bathroom, in the car, at work, in my traveling bags and gym bag, in my locker at the fitness club i never go to, at my parents house, hidden so they dont get all used up, my parents have since joined the fun, but i use my own anyway. when i'm there.

UPDATE 11.30.09: new stuff. take witch hazel and dump some of it in the wipes tub. instant medicated pads, but ones you wipe with. i keep a tub away from the dumper and have sharpied "danger" on it to alert anyone unfamiliar.

cheap hdmi cables

DO NOT BUY ANY HDMI CABLES RETAIL!!!!!!!

go online. i got 5, 10ft hdmi cables for 10 bucks including shipping on ebay.

just go there right now if you dont believe me. so what if you have to wait a few days. it burns me to see "sales" on one 6ft hdmi cable for $19.99. i saw a 25ft one for $69!!!!

realtors part two

backslappers, the newspaper and realtors. it is pretty disgusting. open up your local paper and look at whatever the local blurb section is called, you know, "movers" or "happenings" or some other crapass title.

there you will see that such-and-such realtor recently passed a course in how to be a fucking realtor. cudos to you assfucker! you got your name in the paper. you can now feel proud about your announcing to the public that you have no other talent or ability to make money with other than leading a car to a house that has been put on a fucking list!

jesus mary and joseph. i pick out our local paper from the wastepaperbasket next to the loo and read the back page about how this ugly person (go here) has just completed a course that only "38,000 other people passed in our nation".

here's more crap: why the fuck do we have to see these retards faces on signs and billboards?!?!? its no coincidence that these retards are ugly, but cant some friend or family member tell them they might get more business if people did not have to look at them?

man, i remember seeing this weasel ladys face all over new smyrna beach. on benches, billboards, lawn signs, menus, ads and holy crap did she hit the tease and makeup way way way too much even for the eighties. so much so that if i met that bitch i would have blurted out about how fucking ugly she is like "your that fugly whore i see plastered all over".

we need to be vocal here. i notice the brainiacs that push insurance are getting in the act of having to see their mugshots on billboards and ads. what vanity. please start telling that loser friend or family member of yours that is a realtor or insurance salesman to stop the insanity of having to look at peoples faces that want our money for not really doing any work.

make people go to welfare stores

i dont have a problem using taxes to assist the less fortunate in our society.

there is a problem when taxes are distributed in a manner which allows those unfortunate persons the buy pop-tarts and soda.

more and more i hit the grocery store and there is a morbidly-obese, fugly human that supposedly has two x chromosomes wearing sweatpants and buying a ton of food which is not appropriate for a person that can act as ballast for a small tugboat.

this alleged homo sapien may or may not have young children in tow that looked malnourished and in reality probably are on several levels.

in any event, easy solution, instead of letting these people who qualify for assistance choose what to ingest, let us folks paying for it choose for them.

give them their own grocery store, stocked with the awesomeness that is good food. make them prepare the food instead of heating it up. cooking might be some of the only exercise these people get and we know they will be eating better cuz we wont stock the shelves with fucking high-fructose corn syrup.

scrapbooking is clearly for losers and is evil

what the fuck. the wiki for scrapping says that in 2004 it was a 2 BILLION dollar a year industry. 2 fucking billion dollars spent by women on making yarn frames for pictures of their fugly grandkids.

if you spend time making anything to enhance pictures, then you are are less than me while i blog. at least i am not spending money blogging.

just think of what 2billion dollars could do for society. not just the world, america, cuz you know they arent scrapbooking in jamaica.

and dont tell me its a hobby. its useless and simply an evil plan to make money off of losers.

a scrapbook is properly done by taping or glueing a photo to a piece of paper in a book.

you dont need yarn or superfluous blather, just the picture.

cooking + patience = wickedness

if you want something wicked good, especially when it comes to meat, cook it low and slow.

as you may know, slow is much better for us homo sapiens in almost every aspect of our life: sex, exercise, eating. our hurried, self-imposed lifestyle of fast food and glory holes is killing us.

if you have the nuts to cook, or if you are about to become normal, then seriously consider cooking whatever meat you want slowly, and at a low temp, say 200 or 250 max.

i just did a stew in the crock pot: chuck, pound of carrots, four potatoes, vegetable juice, onion powder, beef bouillon. crusted up the meat, then crocked it for 18 hours.

stuff tasted like gold.

same with ribs, dont fuck around with a gas grill unless it is one made for barbecueing. use charcoal even then for a better flavor. anyway, indirect heat for 5-6 hours and you can knock the meat off the rib with your tongue.

ham or other big pieces of flesh on grill indirectly or over, slow, baste it, and reap big rewards.

pop some root vegetables in at the same time, squash, sweet potatoes, rutabagas, turnips, all will benefit from low and slow.

jim gaffigan is a hotpocket-eatin-bowling-bacon-guzzling hilarious nutbag

this guy has to get his due. he is all over the place, stand-up, sitcoms, film, law & orders, but he is so fucking funny at standup and unlike me, he doesnt go blue.

the young kids love this guy, and so do i, we need more of him

eating a fish while it is still alive

the bottom half of the fish was deep fried.

baja fish tacos at long john silvers

holy moses, these things are good. 99cents. soft taco, lettuce, a plank of some sort of fried fish and baja sauce. it is simply awesome.

this could be anyone of us

padma lakshmi & natalie portman get me hot

i love this show

easy open wine bottle

just in case you get caught without a corkscrew

dont stop believing

tragically, glen beck is not dead

Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck

christopher walken does lady gaga