i personally believe that u.s. americans are unable to do so because, uh, some peole out there in our nation dont have maps, and, uh, i believe that our education, like such as in south africa and the iraq, everywhere, like, such as. and i believe that they should, our education over here in the u.s. should help the u.s., er, should help south africa, and should help the iraq and the asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children.
-click here to watch miss south carolina teen usa utter these immortal words
Friday, March 7, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
wendy's
i am morbidly obese. clinically, i am morbidly obese. 276 pounds, 5'11". i got this way from eating shit, so i know my fast food joints.
recently i have lost 15 pounds and hope to continue to do so. relaxing on carbs, eating more fruit and such, and totally bagging fast food except for wendy's.
its the chili.
quite a fucking bargain. just get a small chili & a diet and its 3 bucks. wendys previously held my favorite lunch: two jr. bacon cheeseburgers plain & a diet. i would make one double out of them, but i sacked the bacon & cheese for the beans in the chili, and it has made all the difference.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
american idol
why this show does not win any award it is/was up for, i dont know. anyone who sees it must vote for whatever category it is up for. i know amazing race always wins the reality category in the emmys, and it is a good show that one season i saw most of the episodes of, but idol gives so much more.
to be able to look into the eyes of these people as they reveal themselves, their inner thoughts, their core beliefs about themselves to the world is more than amazing.
these people are the stupid people i ranted about earlier. they are dangerous, and we get to see them perform. on some shows, the people can act or front what they are feeling, but not on idol. to get to hollywood, you have to be good, so, except for the complete assholes wanting facetime, the contestants that really suck it singing-wise are baring their most inner-selves to siranla(SImonRANypauLA) and the cameras.
granted, in the audition room there is a handful of persons watching, but still, we get to see these people perform who probably have not had an orgasm as the result of another human coming into physical contact with them. you probably never even get to meet these people unless you are related to one. in the street, you are such a meek person, you avert your eye and walk by. i like to (and do) talk to them. they will talk to you and as long as you dont insult them, everything is fine. you can evaluate them if they are just fucking gone and in need of help, or just stupid and clueless. its the stupid and clueless that are most amusing.
thats the first part of idol, seeing those total fucking losers who think they can sing be told that they dont have a clue. some of them are calm, but the total losers give the best performances. they cry like babies, yell, swear at the judges, and most and best of all, inform the camera that they will show the judges what they missed by passing them overe that they will be a big success in the industry. to date, not a single one of them has even made it close.
the next stage is hollywood where you have generally have decent voices and pretty faces. here, the good tv is watching people who have something going on get crushed by rejection. it is especially good if you dont like the person before they get crushed, like this year there was that cheerleader and the miss south florida fair queen or something. hey, they had it in looks and had a smidgen of voice, but their personality was that of bad parenting and you just wanted them to fail.
and fail they did, and cry they did, and laugh i did with most of the viewing audience. i laughed out loud and these pathetic creatures of their own making. crying because they felt greatness was deserving upon them and how dare they not be advanced. suck it up and fuck off assholes.
now, weekly we get to judge and cheer and mock. this show is awesome. except for the fake shit between secrest-out and siranla. you know they are laughing all the way to the fucking shit load of dough they rub on themselves.
so many people i know wont admit they watch. cleanse yourselves, its okay. it just a fucking horse race now. pick a winner, it sure is better than that fucking garbage suitcase show.
thats the first part of idol, seeing those total fucking losers who think they can sing be told that they dont have a clue. some of them are calm, but the total losers give the best performances. they cry like babies, yell, swear at the judges, and most and best of all, inform the camera that they will show the judges what they missed by passing them overe that they will be a big success in the industry. to date, not a single one of them has even made it close.
the next stage is hollywood where you have generally have decent voices and pretty faces. here, the good tv is watching people who have something going on get crushed by rejection. it is especially good if you dont like the person before they get crushed, like this year there was that cheerleader and the miss south florida fair queen or something. hey, they had it in looks and had a smidgen of voice, but their personality was that of bad parenting and you just wanted them to fail.
and fail they did, and cry they did, and laugh i did with most of the viewing audience. i laughed out loud and these pathetic creatures of their own making. crying because they felt greatness was deserving upon them and how dare they not be advanced. suck it up and fuck off assholes.
now, weekly we get to judge and cheer and mock. this show is awesome. except for the fake shit between secrest-out and siranla. you know they are laughing all the way to the fucking shit load of dough they rub on themselves.
so many people i know wont admit they watch. cleanse yourselves, its okay. it just a fucking horse race now. pick a winner, it sure is better than that fucking garbage suitcase show.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
are you a loser?
the easy answer is yes. simply because you are reading this you jackass!
winners dont read loser things like blogs, we write them for losers like you to read and say things like "yeah" or "this guy is fucked in the head" or "wow, i really am a loser".
thats right, i am a winner. i dont read blogs, good lord, with all the good things to surf what do i care about how someone else thinks? or what someone does? i have my own life which is far more superior and exciting to yours, especially if you are going to blog about it.
if someone take the time to blog about what they do or what is happening with their family, then their life truly must suck. to not have anything better to do (read sex) than blog (that includes sex with yourself) for losers to read about losers is the epitome of suck.
its like that letter at xmas time summarizing all the cute things that happened in the year. now it happens everyfuckingdayeveryfuckingdayeveryfuckingdayoverandoverandoverandover. it is suck-loserdom cubed.
take for instance last night when my pet ape started projectile vomiting on the suede curtain sash made out of papier-maiche. i said to gretchen "jesus that reminds me when gary slydecker masturbated to kenny chesny". we both laughed and reminded ourselves that children are the future of the cosmopolis.
see how bad that last paragraph sucked it?!?!!? taste the truth, for i serve it daily.
Monday, February 25, 2008
chi-chi-chi- chia pet travolta
what in the name of all that is oscar is with barbarino's hair??!?!?!? he looks like a new fucking chia pet!!!!
that shit has got to be fake, right? i am at a loss but last night on the oscar show he looked really stupid. i thought i knew stuff, but i did not know he was hairless and that he had to stoop to this.
what is so wrong with losing hair? i just dont get it. some men look great with their lack of hair, crop it tight, shave it...who fucking cares but please dont put fake shit up. how long has he been shining us on?
someone please tell this guy that we all know he is got some hair loss going on and he will still get work in the industry. god, i would hate to be near him when that shit starts falling off his head like some worn steel wool pad or something.
Monday, February 18, 2008
matt lauer is a miracle to us in the form of morning tv no-balls
this morning matt lauer was gushing about interviewing the family of a baby which was found alive after his house was destroyed and his mother killed by a tornado, where else but in a godforsaken state which is useless to me...tennessee.
as i put my matching polo socks, adidas shirt & sneakers, dockers boxers and brooks brothers cardigan on, i watched in horror as the packaged piece about this little human used the word "miracle" about ten times in various manners by various people.
you all know what i am going to say...this was no fucking miracle. jesus age christ, a miracle is when someone raises from the dead, or you turn around and have fifteen billion gallons of wine when before you had spit, or when you put your last c-note on this 5-1 shot and just as the gates open the favorite breaks it's leg and wipes out two other rides as yours pulls away cleanly ftw.
but listening to matt lauer, i thought he was gonna run for president! "tell us about this real-life miracle baby". the "miracle" was that the fucking joker that found him found him in time. in tennessee they do their job. if i am going to be in a disaster, i want to be in one in tennesee. especially so that it wont be useless to me.
i can just imagine all the stupid fuckers in the viewing audience shaking their heads slowly, agreeing with this ball-less fuck lauer, saying things to themselves like "oh my god, what a miracle" and "truly this was the work of the lord and saviour" and "THE FUCKING BABY DID NOT GET KILLED. IT HAPPENS WITH TORNADOES ALL THE FUCKING TIME PEOPLE".
ok, that last one was all the people like you.
as i put my matching polo socks, adidas shirt & sneakers, dockers boxers and brooks brothers cardigan on, i watched in horror as the packaged piece about this little human used the word "miracle" about ten times in various manners by various people.
you all know what i am going to say...this was no fucking miracle. jesus age christ, a miracle is when someone raises from the dead, or you turn around and have fifteen billion gallons of wine when before you had spit, or when you put your last c-note on this 5-1 shot and just as the gates open the favorite breaks it's leg and wipes out two other rides as yours pulls away cleanly ftw.
but listening to matt lauer, i thought he was gonna run for president! "tell us about this real-life miracle baby". the "miracle" was that the fucking joker that found him found him in time. in tennessee they do their job. if i am going to be in a disaster, i want to be in one in tennesee. especially so that it wont be useless to me.
i can just imagine all the stupid fuckers in the viewing audience shaking their heads slowly, agreeing with this ball-less fuck lauer, saying things to themselves like "oh my god, what a miracle" and "truly this was the work of the lord and saviour" and "THE FUCKING BABY DID NOT GET KILLED. IT HAPPENS WITH TORNADOES ALL THE FUCKING TIME PEOPLE".
ok, that last one was all the people like you.
Monday, February 11, 2008
recipie for feeding kids
ok then, i have four kids and finally hit on a dish that is wicked easy to make and quite edible while being somewhat nutritious.
it utilizies tortiallas and start with the small, taco sized flour ones.
go buy a roasted chicken and strip off all the meat while eating the skin.
get some ground beef or other meat of your choice and brown it up, add some salt, ketchup & mustard, not too much. here you can add the american cheese if you want, more on cheese down a couple paragraphs.
while ground beef is browning slowly...
take the chicken and put it on a cutting surface. pile some cheeses on it. use ones that are melty like mozz or mont jack, include cheddar, kids love american, but buy american cheese, not that "cheese product" shit. stick a fucking crowbar in your wallet and buy the good stuff. anyways, put some cheeses on it, then sprinkle a little cumin, not too much, maybe a teaspoon. then take a wicked sharp knife and run it through the pile a few times.
now get the package of tortillas, take them out of the plastic and put them on a plate with a wet paper towel on top, put in microwave for two minutes on high. when times up, take them out and to simply put about two tablespoons of meat mixtures in the tortilla and wrap it up, seam side down. if the tortillas are popping open on you, then heat them up more until they dont unroll.
once done, place them on a microwave safe plate, cover and when ready to serve, bust them for about two minutes on high.
save the rest for snacks around 11:30pm right before bed.
it utilizies tortiallas and start with the small, taco sized flour ones.
go buy a roasted chicken and strip off all the meat while eating the skin.
get some ground beef or other meat of your choice and brown it up, add some salt, ketchup & mustard, not too much. here you can add the american cheese if you want, more on cheese down a couple paragraphs.
while ground beef is browning slowly...
take the chicken and put it on a cutting surface. pile some cheeses on it. use ones that are melty like mozz or mont jack, include cheddar, kids love american, but buy american cheese, not that "cheese product" shit. stick a fucking crowbar in your wallet and buy the good stuff. anyways, put some cheeses on it, then sprinkle a little cumin, not too much, maybe a teaspoon. then take a wicked sharp knife and run it through the pile a few times.
now get the package of tortillas, take them out of the plastic and put them on a plate with a wet paper towel on top, put in microwave for two minutes on high. when times up, take them out and to simply put about two tablespoons of meat mixtures in the tortilla and wrap it up, seam side down. if the tortillas are popping open on you, then heat them up more until they dont unroll.
once done, place them on a microwave safe plate, cover and when ready to serve, bust them for about two minutes on high.
save the rest for snacks around 11:30pm right before bed.
Monday, February 4, 2008
valentines day is for suckers like you
verizon is advertising that you should get your "valentine" a new phone!!! jesus fucking christ, when did valentines day become this retarded-must for losers. a new cell phone? why not a new car, but at least, go to some shitty jeweler and buy some shitty bauble in the shape of a modern looking heart or something.
valentines day is for kids to give each other pieces of paper with comic book characters on it and waste time in school instead of learning something. do you think the japanese or chinese have a valentines day?!?!?!?!? no fucking way, they have a day when you only have to work for 8 hours on your studies instead of 12 each day.
do developing countries spend money on useless expressions of guilt? no fucking way, they make the useless items we americans spend our money on.
if you are a mature individual, you do not need a fucking present from your current sex-partner to proclaim your affiliation. if you are being pressured by a person (read female) that valentines day is coming and you need to do something, drop that person like a hot rock, much like a woman who proclaims to be a vegetarian. you dont need this sort of nightmarish person who needs money spent on them to fulfill some empty need in her empty fucking noggin.
just like mothers day and fathers day, hallmark made these things into the monsters they are. take whatever money you were going to spend on the loser you are banging, or trying to bang, and donate it to the human fund.
i get my wife things when i feel like it, i dont need some fucking corporate freight train to remind and urge me to spend it at one particular point in time. who the fuck was this st. valentine anyway?
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
ENNNNJOY this jackass
jesus fucking christ if one more motherfucking waiter(ess) says "ennnJoy" to my table after delivering the food i will chuck the plate at their stupid fucking head. no, i guess what i will really do is bag on the tip with a note about their presumptuous, useless order.
just who do these delivery people think they are? you know it, you feel it. you just want to take the closest large object and bounce it off their face as they say it. who started this? who was this guy? it might have been ok the first time we heard it, but i dont need to hear it from the fucking chucky cheese assfucker i was forced to spend time with at some kids birthday party. "ennnjoy" this hockeypuck with ketchup on it that costs twenty bucks. "ennnjoy" from someone who cant take orders at the tgif or olive dirt-patch. i cant imagine hearing it from a jackass at one of those places which i would have to be forced to eat at anyway.
if you go to eat at an applebees, or any other restaurant advertised nationally, dont get offended, just learn from me. if you eat at those places, you are a fucking idiot and deserve the loser working there who is serving you. "ennnjoy" this food we boiled in a bag, dropped on a plate and brought out to you that is fucking piping-hot or cold, or varying dishes at the same table that are either.
a very quick analysis proves that if you take the money four people spend at a place where seafood is sold by a chain restaurant (i cant bring myself to say the name, it makes me feel better to waste time writing this long explanation so i can feel superior or smarter because i dont patronize the place and think anyone who does is a fucking massive loser) so if you take the money spent, say on four shrimp dinners, went down the street to a grocery store, took 25% of that money and bought shrimp, that party of four could not finish the shrimp there would be so much.
i will demonstrate for the non-believer, or loser who eats at ripoff joints before they/you try to defend it by saying shit like "they have good bread and salad"...fuck you asshole, eat shit and die.
back to the demonstration. lets say the average entree is $8.99, appetizer $5.99, drink $1.99 fuck dessert, tax about a buck or so, tip another 2, rounding out to twenty bucks. now if you went to your local, decent place to get seafood in your area, you will find that a pound of decent sized shrimp goes for about $5 bucks a pound, so each person could get a pound of shrimp for that twenty bucks. one pound of shrimp!!!! that pound of shrimp would be better for you than the shit that gets dumped out of the boiled bag your dinner came from.
so, here is my order, stop eating at the fucking chains! patronize the locally owned places, like where they make the food there instead of defrosting, boiling and unboxing onto plates and warming them. go to an italian restaurant where they have home-made pasta. order pizza from a place where they only have make pizza, not calpizzacanollis, that new entree/dessert freakshow. get a burger from the local bar that has a grill where you can watch them prepare for you, it tastes better. make your own seafood, you can enjoy four times as much, or, spend four times less.
and please, please, please, please, please inform your waiter(ress) ahead of time that if they say "ennnJoy" you will not tip them. say it humorusly, they might spit in your food.
p.s. 2.15.08 just ate at our fav ital rest. before the waitress even saw us, the seat-sitter said "ennJoy", the bread boy said it and the fucking water boy said it. three fucking times before the waitress, thank god she didn't even come close, she was awesome and we tipped heavily.
just who do these delivery people think they are? you know it, you feel it. you just want to take the closest large object and bounce it off their face as they say it. who started this? who was this guy? it might have been ok the first time we heard it, but i dont need to hear it from the fucking chucky cheese assfucker i was forced to spend time with at some kids birthday party. "ennnjoy" this hockeypuck with ketchup on it that costs twenty bucks. "ennnjoy" from someone who cant take orders at the tgif or olive dirt-patch. i cant imagine hearing it from a jackass at one of those places which i would have to be forced to eat at anyway.
if you go to eat at an applebees, or any other restaurant advertised nationally, dont get offended, just learn from me. if you eat at those places, you are a fucking idiot and deserve the loser working there who is serving you. "ennnjoy" this food we boiled in a bag, dropped on a plate and brought out to you that is fucking piping-hot or cold, or varying dishes at the same table that are either.
a very quick analysis proves that if you take the money four people spend at a place where seafood is sold by a chain restaurant (i cant bring myself to say the name, it makes me feel better to waste time writing this long explanation so i can feel superior or smarter because i dont patronize the place and think anyone who does is a fucking massive loser) so if you take the money spent, say on four shrimp dinners, went down the street to a grocery store, took 25% of that money and bought shrimp, that party of four could not finish the shrimp there would be so much.
i will demonstrate for the non-believer, or loser who eats at ripoff joints before they/you try to defend it by saying shit like "they have good bread and salad"...fuck you asshole, eat shit and die.
back to the demonstration. lets say the average entree is $8.99, appetizer $5.99, drink $1.99 fuck dessert, tax about a buck or so, tip another 2, rounding out to twenty bucks. now if you went to your local, decent place to get seafood in your area, you will find that a pound of decent sized shrimp goes for about $5 bucks a pound, so each person could get a pound of shrimp for that twenty bucks. one pound of shrimp!!!! that pound of shrimp would be better for you than the shit that gets dumped out of the boiled bag your dinner came from.
so, here is my order, stop eating at the fucking chains! patronize the locally owned places, like where they make the food there instead of defrosting, boiling and unboxing onto plates and warming them. go to an italian restaurant where they have home-made pasta. order pizza from a place where they only have make pizza, not calpizzacanollis, that new entree/dessert freakshow. get a burger from the local bar that has a grill where you can watch them prepare for you, it tastes better. make your own seafood, you can enjoy four times as much, or, spend four times less.
and please, please, please, please, please inform your waiter(ress) ahead of time that if they say "ennnJoy" you will not tip them. say it humorusly, they might spit in your food.
p.s. 2.15.08 just ate at our fav ital rest. before the waitress even saw us, the seat-sitter said "ennJoy", the bread boy said it and the fucking water boy said it. three fucking times before the waitress, thank god she didn't even come close, she was awesome and we tipped heavily.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
your life sucks
face it. if it didnt you would be doing something else instead of reading my somewhat lucid rantings.
you wish you didnt have to work. i know you are working, who the hell reads these things at home? and if your retired, you have too much to do besides fucking around on a gizmo you dont know how to navigate.
you also wish you were smarter and had more drive. you coulda been somebody.
well what about me? i am writing this fucking blog! my life sucks too. all our lives suck so snap out of it, stop complaining and stop pining for maryjane nextdoors somewhat frumpy ass.
all our lives suck, each minute we live we are closer to death. each minute bush is in office we get a pole shoved up our ass just a bit further and chances are good you voted for the asshole, so your life sucks more than mine cuz at least i can take satisfaction that it was plain as day to me this guy is a fucking moron.
we have some consolation in that his life sucks too! it has to. there really is no one backing him up, in fact i just heard about some town in vermont voting to put our warrants for his arrest for war crimes. thank you vermont. i will eat more syrup.
you should too.
you wish you didnt have to work. i know you are working, who the hell reads these things at home? and if your retired, you have too much to do besides fucking around on a gizmo you dont know how to navigate.
you also wish you were smarter and had more drive. you coulda been somebody.
well what about me? i am writing this fucking blog! my life sucks too. all our lives suck so snap out of it, stop complaining and stop pining for maryjane nextdoors somewhat frumpy ass.
all our lives suck, each minute we live we are closer to death. each minute bush is in office we get a pole shoved up our ass just a bit further and chances are good you voted for the asshole, so your life sucks more than mine cuz at least i can take satisfaction that it was plain as day to me this guy is a fucking moron.
we have some consolation in that his life sucks too! it has to. there really is no one backing him up, in fact i just heard about some town in vermont voting to put our warrants for his arrest for war crimes. thank you vermont. i will eat more syrup.
you should too.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
fuck vegetarians
all of you assfucking vegetarians please stop telling everyone else you are a vegetarian. we dont care. all you want is attention. stop asking if chicken broth is used in the preparation. dont advise me ahead of time that you are a vegetarian, i am not changing the menu because you are an idiot. if you dont want to eat the food i prepare, then dont fucking come to my house and pretend to suffer in a corner with your whole 90-pound body with sunken eye sockets screaming for meat.
and dont go out to eat at a normal restaurantwith the rest of us. we cant stand your inquiries into what the food is made with, it is all made with meat and you fucking know it, you just are making it difficult for everyone else and calling attention to your patheticness. go to your own restaurants that cater to all you fuckheads who gush about what you can do with some honey and capers to some vegetable. please please please stop calling attention to yourself. realize you have a poor self image and gut it up and eat some fucking meat.
and to all those men who allow this shit to happen(there are no male vegetarians), drop the bitch right now. you can get it somewhere else. this chick is a fucking loser and will eat meat sooner or later, or will die. you are in for a rough ride. find a gal who can pack in a steak, you will be happier.
we are carnivores.
and dont go out to eat at a normal restaurantwith the rest of us. we cant stand your inquiries into what the food is made with, it is all made with meat and you fucking know it, you just are making it difficult for everyone else and calling attention to your patheticness. go to your own restaurants that cater to all you fuckheads who gush about what you can do with some honey and capers to some vegetable. please please please stop calling attention to yourself. realize you have a poor self image and gut it up and eat some fucking meat.
and to all those men who allow this shit to happen(there are no male vegetarians), drop the bitch right now. you can get it somewhere else. this chick is a fucking loser and will eat meat sooner or later, or will die. you are in for a rough ride. find a gal who can pack in a steak, you will be happier.
we are carnivores.
Monday, December 17, 2007
1st blog
since my wife has one, decided to get on the blogwagon. fuck politics, fuck corporations and fuck the fucking diaz brothers. fuckem all. sooooo sick of this presidential race. i am somewhat convinced it is rigged and this is one big fucking show. how else does it explain the complete and really complete moron in charge.
next, timefuckingwarner sucks it bigtime. but not from us anymore. shed the tie-down of cable and the slowness of road-runner for over the air stuff. more hd, faster connections, more channels, cheaper price. at a party this one guy complained about not wanting the dish on his house, so he takes it up the ass instead!!!!! this is kinda fun.
play halo
next, timefuckingwarner sucks it bigtime. but not from us anymore. shed the tie-down of cable and the slowness of road-runner for over the air stuff. more hd, faster connections, more channels, cheaper price. at a party this one guy complained about not wanting the dish on his house, so he takes it up the ass instead!!!!! this is kinda fun.
play halo
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